O My God Someone Killed Hitomi
by Bex the Bold
Summary: Alright Chap. #7 is up! That's two in one day! Just read is it's funny as hell. ^-^
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: Ok as you all know I don't own esca or anything like that, but I wish I did, but I don't so it sucks to be me.

**O My God Someone Killed Hitomi Those Bastards**

Hitomi woke up into a bright and sunny Sunday morning (don't mock my begging sentence) she got up out of bed and walked to the mess hall aboard the Crusade to get something to eat. On her way there she met up with Merl and they walked to the mess hall together. So everything was going like a 7th haven show dose and for the rest of the day they said corny jokes and did stupid corny stuff (sorry for some reason I really don't like that show... go ahead flame me I don't care ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha). So that night some weird shadow loomed up into Hitomi's room (it's not a shadow it's actually a person sneaking into her room) then the next morning...

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh! O My God Someone Killed Hitomi Those Bastards!" Screamed Merl from Hitomi's room. So then every one ran to Hitomi's room.

"Ahhhhhhhh! Hitomi! No you can not die I love you!" Van screamed like that pansy he is.

"o Hitomi your dead*unenthusiastically* poor Hitomi......." Allen said, but in reality he's thinking 'YES! No Hitomi! Now I can continue my plans to seduce every man-err I mean wo**_man_** on Gaea'

Yada yada people scream you get the picture. So then Merl screams. "It was Zybock (how ever you spell that) they came when we were asleep!"

And Van being a pin head "She right! Lets go and do a half ass job and burn them down" So they all go and attempt to burn them down...

Allen from his guymelif...geuymelfe...geyuumeli.. o screw it the big armor things that they fight in. "There comes Dilandu get ready and capture him alive we have to interrogate him"--in reality he's thinking 'Yes I shall interrogate him privately *hint hint wink wink nug nug*' 

So they all get into a bloody battle and yada yada you'll have to review to get the next chapter... I'm so cruel.

Aorthers note: Yes I know ensted of adding to my better fan fics I make an extremely crappy one. Flames are excepted so feel free. And sorry about the bad spelling my spell check is really crapy and for some reason it dose not want to work.


	2. yes allen is stabed take that she man wh...

Disclamer: Yup don't own esca, wish I did but I don't.

Chapter #2 

So we left off at... Yes thats it, ok so there was this big battle and Van and them were fighting Zaibach (yes thank you whitemage I can now spell that) because they were mad that Hiomi was dead (don't ask why Hiomis a bich and desrved it but Van's a corn ball and Allen's a woman traped in a mans body) so they were attacking them and some how they one and took Dilandau and Gatti, and the shroom boy what's his name um... Shesta yeah I think that's it. So they were taken abord the Crusade and were left in a room to be "**_privetly interigated" _**by Allen.

So mean while someware not with Allen, Van is being his dorky self. 

"Hitomi if only I was there to help you I could have saved you." He said to himself over and over and over and over. Like I said he's a dork.

Mean while in the interigation place thing...

"Alright Zaibach scum your going to tell me what's Zaibach's next move." Allen said putting on his best 'Im a big pansy ass and I look like a girl but thats ok cuz for some god damn reason every woman that see's me falls in love cuz that's just the way I am' voice.

"Eat shit Shazar" Dilandau spat at him. (god I love Dilandau)

"O realy. Fine we can do this the easy way and you tell me what Zaibach is doing or... (he turns and pulls open a drawer and takes out a wip, handcups a dildo, and many other sex toys) we can do it the fun way"

"O MY GOD LET US OUT OF HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

meanwhile... 

  
"God Hitomi I love you. If only you where here right now I could hold you in my arms." Van of course was saying this.

"Lord Van why don't you forget about Hitomi?" Merl said.

"Forget about Hitomi but who would I obses over and ack like a total jack ass to and when Dilandau kicks my ass who will I confide in. No I can not do such a thing." Van replyed.

mean while... (yes there are many mean whiles)

Allen the sheman whore was closing in on Shesta.

"AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GET HIM AWAY FROM ME!!!!!!!!" Shesta cryed. (can you blame him if Allen was coming on to me I'd have to gouge out my eyes at the very sight and run up to the hills and never return) But any ways. 

"Don't worry it only hurts for the beging."

But because Dilandau is him sexy self he some how jumps out of his cell (Dilandau is god he can just jump out of his cell if he wants to) and stabs Allen in the gut and Allen falls to the floor...

Yes Allen dead a dream come true... If you want more you must review.

My Little Note Thing: Yes thank you for all of you that reviewed. I'm suprized not one flame you must all share my hate for the bich, the pansy ass, and the sheman whore (hitomi, van, and allen) sigh but I had to change the rateing cuz of vilence and sex stuff.

but please review


	3. YOU GO MERL! YOU THE CAT!

Ok first I just want to say that I'm so proud that people actuly reviewed and they did not flame, and that part really scared me cuz I really think that I did a crapy job. But aperently some people liked it so there you go.

Ok you all know I don't own esca or anything like that... or so you think...

So in my little wacked out story Dilandau, Gattie, and the now-areaid-of-long-haired-men-named-Allen-and-who-go-around-thinking-that-he's-the-best-when-he's-really-a-dork Shesta. They were all sneeking around and looking for the stupid crew to kill cuz all they do is sit there and be all loyal to the sheman whore (Allen). 

"Dilandau do you really think that we should be doing this. I know that you killed the sheman whore but the things I saw I don't think my mind can take it." The shroom boy complained (Shesta's the shroom boy for all you that don't already know).

"Shut up Shesta! Were going to kill Vaannnn. *ses Vans name in that weaired pyro way of his*" 

mean while...

"O Hitomi!!! Why did you have to die!!!!!!!!!!!" Van of course was still whining like a sisy.

"Lord Van just forget about Hitomi will you" Merl pleded. 

back with Dilandau and them... 

They were sneaking up one the crew so that they could kill them. yada yada they sneek up and kill them. So then Merl had gotten Van to go the mess hall where Dilandau, Gatti, Shesta, and all the dead crew were.

Van and Merl arive...

"O MY GOD!!!!! Someone merdered the crew!" Merl screamed.

Van see's Dilandau.

"You! You killed Hitomi!" Van yelled

"What the hell are you talking about?!?!" Dilandau yelled back.

"Van stop! It was me! I did it!" Merl cryed. "That bich was alwyas around you so I killed her! She had it coming, and no one liked her except you Van. And she looked like a boy with those stupid close's and hair cut. And the pendent, and visions! God what the hell was the matter with her! She had a feaking vision every day! Do you remember the time that she had a vision about Gaddis (one of the shemans crew) triping and falling in horse crap! God what a bich!" 

"Merl!" Van cryed. "How did you kill her you were in the bath room I saw you go in it you couldnt of gotten out with out me knowticeing!"

"God Van your almost as stupid as Hitomi, there is a window in the bath room." Merl said.

"Ha! Merl I give you premishion to join the dragon slayers cuz you killed the bich." Dilandau said.

"*victory dances* yeay!" Merl runs over to Dilandau and bows down. "I'll do what ever you say!"

Dilandau turns to Van and drawa his sward. The pansy draws his. Then in the door way apears Allen all bloody and crap.

"AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH *takes deep breath* AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH**!!! O MY GOD IT'S ALLEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"** Shesta screamed. (can you blame him?)

"Ha so you think that a little sward the gut will kill me Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Notheing will stop my plans to siduce every man on Gaea!! HA HA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!" Allen yelled.

"Keep him away from ME!" Cryed Shesta.

"Shesta my love come here." Allen said as he walked over twards him...

to be continued...

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Yes the she man is back... but not for long...

please review and falms are welcomed!!!!


	4. Allen is dead. It's a merical

Disclamer: yup I do not own escaflowne or any thing... *sigh* but I wish I did...

So we left off at the sheman whore coming in and walking to the now petrified Shesta...

"O Shesta, don't be afraid I'm going to make you so very happy." Allen said as he walked towards him.

Shesta was froze to the spot. But Dilandau being the most bestest person on Escaflowne stepped forward and stabbed Allen once agene, but the sheman was dead set on seducing every man on Gaea so he **_still _**was not dead. 

"I TOLD you that I can not be killed before I complete my dream of seducing every man on Gaea! Ha ha ha!" Allen said triumphantly. Ok you still have to remember even thow the she man's still alive he's still bleeding all over the place.

The she man took a step towards Shesta, but slipped in his own blood and fell on his womanish face breaking his nose.

"Ahhhhhhhhhhh! My nose my perfect nose!" He cried like the she man whore he is.

"God that's it Shazar your so pissing me off first you torment my dragons layers than you try to seduce us which is just _wrong _and now your complaining about your fucked up nose!" Dilandau screamed. "AND you WILL NOT **DIE!!!!! What are you!!!"**

Dilandau doing the thing that I think should have been done long ago, jumped up and drew his sward and leaped over to the now trying to get up Allen and sliced off his... um how should I put this... his male pride, his frankin footer, his one eyed monster (and being allens it is a MONSTER *screams and runs away back up to the hill where I first went*) his dork, his dick, his penis, his one and only friend. But you get the picture for Allen his life is over. 

"*in a very high pitch scream that could shatter glass* Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!! O MY GOD!" And with one last shutter the she man whore named Allen finally fell dead. *and this is dead dead he's not coming back this time ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha*

Suddenly Mellerna appears out of nowhere.

"Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! ALLEN YOU CAN NOT DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" But Merl now being a dragon slayer with one swift movement shoves her out the window.

"Thank you Merl you will fit in with the dragon slayers just fine." Dilandau said.

Ha Allen is dead YES THERE IS A GOD!!!!!!!!! So if you people want more chapters you have to review.... and I just have to say wow no flames yet I'm so proud.


	5. Here come's Dallen

Disclaimer: Ok I have to say that I am very surprised that people have not flamed me O yeah I don't own esca. or stuff like that... Or do I??? *mwahahahahahahahahhahaha*

OK chapter #5 

*thinks of a title*

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The Day The Pansy Ass Flew

Alright now back to my perverted story, now let's see... O yeah ok so we left off with Mellern out the window Allen dead on the floor and Merl had admitted to killing Hitomi (god bless merl she did what we had all ever wanted to do) and Dilandau, Gatti, and Shesta were thinking up of what to do next.

"I think we should go, he may only be playing dead" Shesta said as he eyed Allens corps nervously.

"No! First we kill the pansy ass!" Dilandau said giddily... (is giddily a word... well it is in my story)

Van who was just sitting there like a dork snapped back to reality. 

"Dilandau! You will die! You killed Htiomi!" He cried.

Every one just stared at him.

"Van I killed Hitomi remember? God what the hell is the matter with you are you that stupid?" Merl said.

"O yeah well I can't kill you Merl so you can't have any cat nip any more." Van said.

"VAN! What the HELL is the matter with you weren't you paying attention at all! I killed Hitomi, and Merllerna (damn I can't remember her name! melern mellerna mellern... o screw it you all know who I'm talking about) so what the hell have you been doing day dreaming!!!!!!!!" Merl yelled.

"Well I saw a bird out the window and they were really pretty..."

Ever one elts

"..........."

"They were!" He protested.

Mean while...

Falken was at his lab wearing one of those funny lab coat and goggles. He added a little purple and neon pink liquid to a beaker. 

"Finally I have done it!" He cried "I have made the first genetically engendered sheman whore perfect in every way."

Then from the beaker that he was poring stuff in exploded and there on the table appeared a red head version of Allen. 

The sheman looked at Falcon. "Why hi there stud muffin." He said.

Falken took out a cattle prod and zapped the sheman. "I think that I'll call you Dallen. Yes that's a good name for you, Dallen."

Dallen stared at Falken. "What ever you say handsome." Dallen said.

"In case that you have not noticed I am a man and you are a man so there is nothing that can happen between us." Falken told Dallen.

"O I know your a _man_, and a nice one at that." Dallen winks at Falken. Falken in return turns the cattle prod on high and zapped Dallen.

Back with the others...

*shutters* "Wow all of a sudden I feel really disturbed." Shesta said, and looks around nervously.

"Alright now VAN NOW YOU DIE!!!!!!" Dilandau screamed.

Authors Note: O how curl am I no more Allen but now there is DALLEN *evil laugh* mwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah

ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahah Yes I am just so curl but at least Dallens in a lab and the poor mentally disturbed Shesta a long ways away................ For now hahahahahhahhahahahhahahahha. And once agene I'm sorry about bad spelling


	6. Run Free Dallen!!!!!!!!!

Disclaimer: Ok as you all know I do not own Escaflowne or any of that... But I do Own Dallen. *evil laughter* Mwahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Chapter #6

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Born Free

All right now back to my story...

Some were in the Zaibach near the holding cell of Dallen and were he was created by Falken...

"Stay away from me!!!!! NO! Not That!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!" Screamed a frightened gard.

"Don't worry it wont hurt." Said Dallen in his best seductive voice.

Then out of no were Falken après and zaps Dallen with the cattle prod that he now always cares with him. Dallen falls to the floor looking all crispy and charred. 

"Are you all right?" Falken asked the now mentally disturbed gard.

"Stay away from me! Your just like HIM! Just like DALLEN!!!" He screamed.

mean while with Falken in the weird room that Emperor Donkerk is in with that funky thingy that keeps him alive...

"Falken! That is the seventh time Dallen has escaped his cell and tried to seduce the grad this week that's once every day!!! And all the guards that he has tried to seduce has now joined a church and became nun's!!!!!!" Dr. Dunkirk yelled, which is hard for him cuz he's over 200 years old.

"Well we do need more love and forgiveness. Can't you find it in your hart to forgive him?" Falken asked.

"NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now I want you to terminate the Genetically Altered Pretty Boy She Man Wore project number 508. Do you understand!?!?" He yelled once more.

"Yes I understand." With that Falken walked to the cell labeled 508 which contained Dallen.

"No." Falken whispered to himself. "I can't just terminated Dallen like that. He has to have a chance to live a normal life."

So he took the still crispy Dallen from his cell and put him in a crate, labeled _FRAGELY. _

Mean while...

Dilandau had put the pansy ass in a cell adored the Valone (I think that's what it is called, but it's the big ship were Dilandau and the dragon slayers live) and Merl was fitting in just fine. In fact this very morning she had just received her very first slap from Dilandau, and all the other dragon slayers were admiring the burse that was there now.

"Wow Dilandau must really like you that's a really nice burse." nodded Megel.

"I wish that I had one like that." Said an envious Gumel.

Back at the edge of the Zaibach forest...

"Go run free Dallen!!!!!!!!!" Falken said as he opened the crate that Dallen was in. He then turned and pressed the play button on a tape recorder and it began to play 'born to be free'. Dallen stepped out of his crate, with his red hair flouting in the wind, then without a glance back he ran into the forest. 

"I'll miss him." Falken said, as a tear rolled down his face.

(Sorry I had to make it dramatic, so sue me if you don't like it)

Back with the dragon slayers...

*shutters* "I have that same feeling agene." Said Shesta from his corner in the room where he was huddled in a ball.

In the forest with Dallen...

A confused Dallen stood at the begging of a filed in the forest, looking at a herd of wild sheep. But because he had never left the building that he was created in this was a big thing for him. Dallen walked up to them and knelt down so he could stare the sheep in the eye.

"Maaaaa." said the sheep.

Dallen repeated the noise that the sheep had said. "Maaaaaaaaaaa."

But then the Ram of the herd showed up and did his pawing at the dirt thing and snuffed the air at Dallen. Dallen pawed the dirt and snuffed the Ram back. Then they charged each other (like on the mountain dew commercial) 

CRACK!!!!!

But because Dallen has no brain he was not heart and so the looser Ram left the herd leavening Dallen to live as king of the wild sheep. 

And as first business of being kind he tossed most of his closes into a bush and joined his sheep friends. (AND I SAID MOST NOT ALL, HE'S WARRING A LOIN CLOTH!!!!!).

Back on the Valone...

Falken had returned and was talking to the leader of the dragon slayers (Dilandau).

"So because some dumbass messed up on the order form with the supplies we have to find our own food. A wild sheep herd was spotted a few miles back, take a few dragon slayers with you and go round them up to we have something to eat. O and why don't you bring the shroom boy with you what's his name o yeah Shesta, after what's happened to him he needs some fresh air."

To Be continued

Authors note: RUN FREE DALLEN!!!!!!! Sorry I had to say that, and you all know that to get another chapter you must review!!!!!!!!


	7. The day Dallen Fell in love(the title wi...

Disclaimer: I do not own Escaflowne... or do I... no, no I don't

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Chapter #7

The Day Dallen Fell in Love

So now back to my extremely disturbing story about the stuff, with the stuff, and the thing , with the thing at the thing... (now that makes since)

So we left off at Allen joining the herd and the dragon slayers going to the herd to get some food cuz someone messed up on the order sheet...

Allen looked up into the sky with his greenish brown eyes, up there in the sky was some sort of flouting thing. But that was no reason for the king of the herd to get worried about. Walking... Well it's more of crawling cuz he's on all fours, but any ways crawling to his new friend named, Maaa, he grabbed at a branch and ripped some flowers off and ate them. Maaa stared at Allen.

(In Sheep Language *and yes in my story the sheep have a language all there own*)

"Hi, Maaa, how are you today, eat any good grass lightly?" Allen asked.

"Nope." Maaa responded.

"Why not?" Allen asked.

"Because you have not led us to a better grazing ground." Maaa said.

"I have to do that?" Allen asked.

"Being King of the herd is more than screwing the female sheep, you know." Maaa told Allen.

"IT IS!?!?!?!?" Allen asked appalled.

"Yes is it." Maaa said giving Allen a odd look. o_O

"Ok. Every one to me, were going on a trip!" Allen yelled. 

And so all the sheep went up across the forest, which ironically ended up with them practically directly beneath the floating forest. So they sat there grazing and doing stuff.

On the floating fortress...

"Ok so the blue button make's the stealth clock go on and off, and the green one makes the fire thingy work right?" Merl asked.

"Yup, that's right." Said Gatti.

"Now lets go and burn-err I mean Gather sheep." Said Dilandau.

So they fly down to the sheep, and clime out of there guymelifs.

With Allen...

"So I've never seen you here? New? Need some one to help you fit in?" Allen said in his seductive voice to a sheep.

"Maaaa." The sheep responded. (which in sheepish means: Leave me alone you sheep man wore)

Then Allen listened very carefully.

"Just round up twenty or thirty of these things and lets go." Megel said.

But Allen would never have his sheep lovers--err I mean "friends" taken any were. So he charged them all. But... (ooo cliff hanger)

Ok I'm not to cruel...

But... Allen stopped when the red haired she man whore's eyes fell on Shesta. Who was currently wetting himself at the very sight of seeing what looked like to him Allen back from the dead. Allen turned his head and looked side ways and all the dragon slayers.

So the dragon slayers seeing Allen were scared cuz of there previous encounters with Allen. But Dilandau being the sexy self that he is drew his sward and was about to decapitate Allen when Falkens voice came on the intercom from the guymelifs.

"Nooooooooo! Dilandau don't hurt Allen! You must bring him back at what ever causes!" Falken yelled thought the intercom. He knew cuz he was watching from the ship with one of those telescope thingys. 

On the ship...

"Allen I knew I would see you agene!" Falken yelled as he hugged Allen. But soon let go of him cuz Allen was trying to hump his leg like a dog. "Stop that!" ZAP!!!!!!

Looking around Falken saw that the entire Sheep herd was in the hanger of the floating fortress.

"What are all these sheep doing here I said only twenty or thirty?" Falken asked.

"He wouldn't leave with out them." Said a dragon slayer up to his shoulders in sheep pilled on sheep.

To be continued...

Authors Note: yes I know this is one of the suckyest chapter of my story but hey I tried.


End file.
